My Rainy Tuesday

Autumn Leaves

2009-09-23T16:33:00.000-06:00

I can't stop thinking about the weather.
It seems so perfect for a jacket or a sweater,
and the cold air is playing on my skin,
It only takes the lightest touch and I begin.

I'm falling like the autumn leaves,
tree by tree- soon, all of me.
And all the world seems brighter,
I'm not one to fight it.
A chilling breeze, with the windows down,
lingers till we're close to town.
And the sunset fades to the dimmest light,
and I don't want to say goodnight.

It's hard to admit I like the season.
Still, I know it comes on with ease.
The colors as we walk in a kaleidoscope--
orange, yellow, red, and full of hope.

It's warm now that it's cold,
and I'm young now that I'm old.
And with everything that I could be,
I'm giving in to gravity.

Soon we'll be living in the future.

2009-09-19T00:54:00.000-06:00

I've got this idea that, everything else aside, I will be great. Not just great, but rich and great. Rich enough, at least. I'm going to drive a nice car, but not too nice. It'll be payed for, like my last two cars. I'll be living in an apartment, much like I am now, with six month's rent paid in advance. I'll be doing something I love, and I will love it. I'll love and be loved. It's that simple.

I'll be kind and kindhearted. There's a difference, you know. I'll be caring, and I'll be cared about. Strangers will have my back, much like my friends do now. I'll have theirs.

I'll get there with another idea. It will be simple, clean, and overwhelmingly obvious. It will come to me, and I'll make it happen. When it happens, this happens. It's that simple.

I've got this idea that, everything else aside, I will be great.

2009-09-13T20:09:00.001-06:00

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2009-09-13T20:06:00.001-06:00

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2009-09-13T20:02:00.001-06:00

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It's been a while...

2009-09-12T16:32:00.000-06:00

I know. A lot of people have been wondering what I'm up to now that I'm on my own. Here is the list:

I'm living in an apartment off campus with Pratt, Pud, and JonJon.
I am currently jobless (and if the New Century Scholarship finishes the filing process, I plan to remain that way.)
I love life.
Pud and I hang out with our neighbors from the apartments in front of us (Marley and Bailey).
Life is interesting.
I'm on a steady regiment of HTP-5 and Allegra-D. (These help keep the quality of life in the positives.) (Side-note: I slacked off for three days, and I forgot to take them... I'm glad I started again.)
I'm technically a Junior... But it's my first year, here. This is a source of confusion.
Even though I'm taking a two-year break from school in a year, I'll still be one of the youngest doctors when I finish med. school.
I'm a volunteer up at the hospital. (Four hours a week!)
I have found that I have a passion for physics, and I'm currently taking six credits-worth of physics classes.
I wish I could say the same for biology, but I'm glad enough that I enjoy physics. (This is ironic.)
I'm a Biology/Zoology major and a Chemistry minor.
This is my easy semester.
I'm taking a total of 15 credits. I originally had 18-19, but French didn't do much for my major, and the book was expensive out the wazoo.
I study. (I know, right!)
Life is crazy.
The library is the best place to be to study. Big windows, quietness, and just an over-all healthy atmosphere.
We have surround sound in our living room.
My car doesn't like cold mornings.
I've been whistled at and cat-called to. (They aren't really my type, haha!)
I have some great friends.

How about that?

I'm not sleeping much during the week, but that's not new. I'm looking into some remedies. I've tried sleeping pills (so far, Equate has worked the best) but they all have a serious lag-problem, so even if I get a healthy amount of sleep, I still feel useless. I'm working on this.

Adam only lives 45 minutes away, but he's always homesick. I visit him and have him come up to stay at the apartment every now and again. He's a hoot, but I love him. I'm his closest family member.

I'm excited, but frightened, and it's all a huge rush, because school is just flying by. "This is what living like this does."---Taking Back Sunday

Smile!

I love physics.

2009-08-31T23:41:00.001-06:00

This is what happens when I wake up from a nap a few minutes before my physics lab.

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I love physics.

2009-08-31T15:19:00.001-06:00

This is what happens when I wake up from a nap a few minutes before my physics lab.

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Goodbye.

2009-08-13T00:14:00.000-06:00

I won't miss this town. But I will miss my friends, my family, and some of those random people who made me laugh.

I'll miss the Patio. I worked my last shift, and I'm more than a little disheartened... I loved Brian and Suzie, and I love Ricky and Lana. They were always more than just owners or bosses. They were friends. Houston, we have ignition. T minus 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Goodbye.

Brian... 8/8/08. I cried with Suzie, and I visited his grave to tell him that I miss him. Life goes on, and that's what's weird. Why couldn't the world stop for just one day...?

I said goodbye to Kelly, Sam, and Stormi, officially. Thursday, I'll say goodbye to everyone I can find who matters to me. It's time to leave. Friday is the day. I'm packing if you want to come and see me on Thursday. I'll be here. (Unless I'm with Ryan and Talon for one last hang-out.)

So long, and goodbye.

P.S. I'll have a different blog at college, where I'll blog EVERY weekday. More about that, later.

No braces.

2009-07-23T14:28:00.001-06:00

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Only Jesus gives an extended

2009-07-16T15:14:00.001-06:00

Only Jesus gives an extended life warranty. ---Sign off to the side of the road in Flagstaff.

Poetry Vomited down onto an inadequate keyboard. It did its best.

2009-07-14T02:02:00.000-06:00

Can't tell me why--
why every soul
begs to sing or to scream,
but ends up screaming alone.
Alone and unknown. One soul.

Know it's a lie.
Know it's not me.
I'm not alone, 'cause
I don't want to sing.
But I sing. It's not me.

Leave every breath I breathe,
but take these words-- they sting.
In my throat--
just one simple note.
Try as I might,
I have no courage to sing--
simple notes, simple melodies.
Simple notes, melodies.

Softly and sweet--
a small sound, I hear.
Given it's pretense,
I know it's not near.
Nowhere close, but deep within I hear.

Hope has a bittersweet
way of reminding me.
Hope has a bittersweet
way of reminding me
I am alive, but still
I am alone. (Tomorrow)
I am alive, but still
I am alone. (Tomorrow)

Can't tell me why... (Tomorrow)

It's really not meant to be sad, but looking over it... it kind of looks that way. Yes, it is a song, because in my mind, almost all poetry is musical. Think softer SOAD or POD with some strings in the back... It's pretty pointless to describe, because no one will ever hear what it really sounds like in my mind. (It's amazing to listen to, in there, I promise! :)

Big changes are coming, and all I want to do is sleep. I suppose part of it was from being sick, but I'm not sick now (and I'm not sleeping...) back to normal, I guess! (Whatever normal means?)

Random: I sleep better in jeans. Who'd have thought?

Boys are Dumb.

2009-07-05T22:56:00.000-06:00

(Trust me. I would know from experience.)

So... That pretty much sums up everything I have to say, so if you want to skip the remainder of this post, you won't be missing much.

Why are boys dumb?

Because girls say so. And if a cute girl says it, it's even more true.

Boys are flakes. Because for some reason, they feel like they need to change their likes and dislikes for a girl to be their friend. And all boys know that it's easier to date a girl if she thinks he just wants to be friends with her.

Boys are cruel. They enjoy breaking hearts just like they enjoy shooting or clubbing animals.

Boys are gross. Girls know this, because they are always clean, and the difference is incredible.

Boys are only into the physical stuff. What else is there in a relationship?

Boys are confusing. This is because they REALLY do like you. They like EVERY cute girl who will talk to them.

(I hope the sarcasm was sensed. This was not literal.)

Why am I typing this particular post?

Because I'm a dumb boy, but not necessarily for the reasons above.

Update.

2009-06-24T02:29:00.001-06:00

Car....Check
Tires...Check
Inspection....Check
DMV....Check
Plates....Check
Gas....Check

I've realized that I can't just run away to a different place, just to put myself in the same (insert profanity ending in "ing" here) situation...

I've just always had this big dream of leaving home and being on my own and finally, finally being able to be this awesome person where life is perfect and problems have no emotional sway...

With every check, I walk away--
the restless ticking of this clock,
but my hands want you to stay,
and my heart is screaming stop,
because I know it isn't real.
It's just the game we've always played,
and you pretend to feel
the feelings I have thrown on stage.

"What does it mean to you?" you ask,
I gave you my reply.
It wasn't the whole truth,
but far from a lie.
"It's just another night--
just a girl, just a guy.
She want's something more."
He wants out of a lie.

"Will one of us always say no?"
I hope that one day we both will.
Just meant to loosen up the future,
but you're holding on, still.
You've got your big dreams.
There's no part for you to fill.
Still my arm is wrapped around you.
Mixed messages? It kills.

I'd hoped to avoid this,
by calling us "just friends".
Guess I'm a killer with a conscious,
and I can't see how it ends.
But I'm not happy with the 'now',
and I don't want more than 'just friends'.
or to have the guts to show you this,
and let the past begin to mend.

And so I'll let time move on.
Tomorrow becomes today,
and half the things you're feeling
'cause I'm not strong enough to say,
"Recently, I realized,
the both of us have changed.
Today, I don't love you
like I loved you yesterday."

Why can't no mean no? Because we're both still alone.

It's been said before, better than I'll ever say it:

I don't love you... like I loved you... yesterday. ---My Chemical Romance

The memories of me will seem more like bad dreams. Someday... you will... be loved. ---Death Cab for Cutie

This won't break your heart, but I just think it could. ---Finger Eleven

And though it's going to hurt for now, every ship must sail away. ---Blue Merle

In the face... of change... that's when she turned to me and said... I'm not sure anymore. ---Rise Against

Don't you ask me. Don't you fight. Cross my heart and hope to--I'm lying just to keep you here--so reckless, so thoughtless, and I could care less. This glass house is burning down. You light the match, I'll stick around. I'll give you everything you want and wish the worst of what I was. Tonight won't make a difference. Tonight won't make a difference... ---Taking Back Sunday

Just think of this and me as just a few of the many things to lie around--to clutter up your shelves. ---Taking Back Sunday

We're not the same, dear, as we used to be. The seasons have changed, and so have we. There was little we could say--even less that we could do... to stop the ice from getting thinner under me and you. ---Death Cab for Cutie

Always up or down. Never down and out. ---The Academy Is...

Sooner or later... ---Breaking Benjamin

...

Skinny Cow or Skinny You

2009-06-23T12:24:00.001-06:00

The truth about reduced fat milk.

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Decisions...

2009-06-18T02:01:00.000-06:00

I hate that I have had this plan, which was agreed on by my whole family, and that I've had it for a LONG time (over 3 months), and that I've been working hard and setting goals to accomplish this plan, and despite a few setbacks, I'm right on track for it to happen on Friday.

That is, I was on track until I got home from work and talked with my mom...

See, my grandparents have my parents old Chevy Suburban at their farm, and what my mom proposed (and by proposed, I mean that she said, "what I think is the right thing...") is that I would take my dad's truck to college, and my parents would bring back the Suburban as the second vehicle at the house. Sounds peachy, right?

Not to me. Yes, this would save me money wich I could put toward other things (mission, miscelaneous college expenses, etc.) Yes, this SEEMS like the logical choice (I get a vehicle and only have to pay insurance, and there are still two vehicles at the house). BUT (the big "B" word, here) it doesn't seem right.

I HATE (notice the all-capital letters) that truck. I have never really felt comfortable OR secure while driving it. Ever since the clutch went out the SECOND time, I'm always weary that I'll pull it out of first and never get it back into a gear. At the same time, if I get a manual car, I could easily have the same problem.

My mom agreed with me (and she kind of pointed it out when she saw that my love for the truck and this new plan was in the negative) that IF I did buy a car, I would sell it, and likely get most (if not all or more) of my money back. Her biggest fear is that something will happen with the car I buy, and I'll put more money into it than I'll ever get out.

She also wants me to be constantly thinking about my upcoming mission (almost exactly one year till I can turn in my papers). I am, trust me. I worked hard to make sure that college and housing and a little extra were all paid for before I seriously decided to buy a car. I'll be working clear up until School starts in August, and then part time during school, and then I have May through the end of September after the school year ends to work full time. If I sell the car I buy for the same as what I bought it for (which is likely in my price range and my intended vehicle choices) I will come out the same in the end.

Why take the risk? I think what bugs me the most about the new plan, is that it's a personal failure to me. If I don't drive home Tuesday with my own car, I failed. Why failure if I still end up with a vehicle? I planned for a specific thing to happen. I gave up a LOT of time and dedicated it to working (I pulled a double shift just Tuesday). In my mind, that money belongs to the car. In my mind, I haven't been earning money, I've been earning my car. I agreed to not take out a loan, and to have the car I want approved by my mom and my uncle. I have reasonable, realistic goals. In my mind, it's a low to medium risk (as was going to college for a year), but my risk scale doesn't go any lower except for garuntees (and few things, if anything, are garuntees).

My sister put in that "it's only ONE year." True. But I will never underestimate the length of a year. It's only short when it's in the past. While it's in the future and while it's happening, it's a WHOLE year and nothing less. By the same reasoning, no matter which option I take, it's only one whole year.

The truth is that there is no wrong answer, but apparently, there IS a right one.

I'm going car shopping on Friday. We'll see what happens.

The Moab Trip

2009-06-16T00:30:00.003-06:00

I should have taken more pictures...

I'm a slacker. Here are the reasons:

2009-06-13T01:59:00.000-06:00

First off, car shopping is difficult when you are over 200 miles away from any of the cars you are looking at. It is also difficult when you have a budget of $2,000 that includes 6 months of insurance and registration and inspection (in no particular order). People who say that the car they are selling is completely working except brakes, when really, the car is beyond repair and looks nothing like the year-old photos they posted are also frustrating. This particular scenario happened with my dream car (literally, I dreamt about it).

That's the dream car. My uncle (who is a mechanic) looked at it for me when I told him I was interested in it. He called me when he saw it, and literally said, "It's a piece of junk... Not even worth salvaging... Not even running."

I found this car once, then I lost it. I found it again, and lost it again--for good.

I'm back to dreaming about Civic's and Jetta's and Camry's and Sentra's... It's just that sometimes, I see a car, and it calls out to me. I thought for sure that this was "the one", but it just wasn't how the hand that writes all meant it to be. One day in the future, depending on how my life goes, I may find another old Camaro and restore it and get it painted almost just like this one. Maybe some other car will call out to me in the same way... I've always wanted a little red convertable? Or blue? Or an older dodge charger... I like the classics and the muscle cars, just as long as they haven't been modified to death.

I need a car I can live in. I'll probably do the sound system myself (because I don't trust anyone else to do it my way for a decent price), and I'll probably get a cheap paint job to make it yellow or bright blue or even red. ...but I may just leave everything as it is and live with "good enough". It only has to last me one year, but I want to love the car and love to drive the car. I'll be driving a lot more than I have.

I'll be physically (like, IN PERSON) shopping for cars on the 19th. Something is going to happen, and the pieces will fall together like they always have, however roughly or smoothly, and I'll get the car I'm meant to have.

I Don't Get IT!!!

2009-06-07T21:36:00.001-06:00

I really don't...

Ugh!

I think that people... are people...

I'm frustrated that some people are frustrating.

Moab Trip!

2009-06-01T01:00:00.001-06:00

Summer, so far:

2009-05-24T23:34:00.000-06:00

Two crazy parties in one night.

One scary movie with people I don't normally hang out with much at early morning hours (like 3ish am) and an almost all-nighter.

More plans to continue the momentum, and this rain=amazing. AMAZING!

And even with these events, I'm jealous. Like swimming in the reservoir late at night! (I know I was invited, but I was already doing the scary movie thing I was invited to before, which was pretty much great...) There is not enough time in a day.

Tomorrow, Talon and I will make our press package. Wednesday, it goes to Moab.

(My finger is mostly healed.)

I still have have a crush, and I have little or no intentions of telling the person, despite advice to do otherwise.

I love my sweaters. (Random, I know, but I do love them.)

I cooked the burger side, and we did $1,695 worth of food. I'm still in a state of shock.

I'm pretty sure that the more I sleep, the more tired I become. This is based on experience.

Car on June 19th! JUNE 19TH! I CANNOT WAIT!

Also, worked out some inner turmoil with a person I was avoiding. I'm no longer avoiding them, but at the same time, I hope they don't expect me to be who I was three years ago.

Some people crack me up.

I hate the Twilight movie. EXCEPT when viewed as a COMEDY/TRAJEDY. It failed.

I am SOOO ready for my car. SOOOOOOOOOO ready.

Did I mention I'm buying a car soon? SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ready.

My money management skillz are pretty amazing when I have the desire for something big.

Did I mention a car? Because cars relate to driving, which is one of my biggest loves in life. I want to drive to the beach and camp and then drive back.

Car!

Okay. The car is out of my system.... NOT! But I'll mention it less and less.

I wish I could customize my Facebook like I can Myspace, but I guess I'll live.

I do not like BYU as a school. Can't say exactly why. It just seems... wrong. Maybe (probably) it's just me.

Pictures! Story! Maybe a movie! A-MAZING!

Okay... I'm calm...

Seriously, I'd love summer, even if I had to spend it indoors in my room. BUT, I don't. So I love it all the more.

Thoughts that fly through my head.

2009-05-17T03:19:00.000-06:00

GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I am torn in two. Maybe three.

Part of me wants to bust out of here, but part of me wants to stay.

Another part just wants to buy a car, which I have started to shop for, a little, because I have a little bit of money saved up to start seriously looking at buying one.

That part of me is currently the biggest part.

I want to have a bit of easy going, summer fun. Something cool, but not too crazy.
I want t to climbe the sandhill again.

a;lsdkfalkhg!
(That's a frustrated keyboard slam.)

I want to spend every dime I earn on gas and food and just travel.

Silence.

2009-05-13T01:38:00.000-06:00

They say it's golden, but that's probably because it weighs down so heavily on your mind. There are so many perfect words and perfect times to say them, and still, you keep them to yourself. After all, you know that it's better not to make a move. You have to ask yourself what good it would do anyway. Suppose it's mutual. What then? You're not sticking around, and you've got things in the way, anyway.

If you're honest, you don't want it to be mutual. You want to be the only one, because you're against anything serious.

So what do you do with those words, and the emotions that brought them to the surface? You hide them behind a smile, and you step up to be better than you were yesterday.

It's just a crush, after all. Just is a terrible word. After all, it's the weight of the silence that makes it a crush, as it crushes you.

Silence is golden, but gold is heavy.

For now, your content enough to simply feel the way you do, without telling. For now--and possibly (if not hopefully) always--you'll be a good friend. A good friend is probably needed more, anyways.

Insomnia.

2009-05-11T04:30:00.000-06:00

Sleep.

Is it the monster, or am I.

I sit down after a class or after work, and it comes quickly and rests on me like a light blanket winter or as a glass of water in the summer, but it doesn't stay. When it's dark and late, it doesn't come at all. A light blanket in the winter will keep me warm enough to survive, as a glass of water will keep me alive in the summer, but I yearn for more.

I'm grateful for all that I've learned while being awake, but on nights like these, I'm weary of being awake for so long.

I lay awake dreaming of being asleep, when I should lay asleep dreaming of being awake.

Times like this.

2009-05-11T02:58:00.000-06:00

There it is, in your hand. You've caught it before, but not like this. Before, it was gone before you touched it. Dead. In the past. But not this time.

It's a moment--not just any moment, but a moment when you're changing who you are. Every time in the past, you only caught the end of the moment--the effects of the change and not the change itself. It's always been something that happens in the back of your mind, but this... This is so different.

This time, you hold the moment in your hands, and you've been holding it in your hands since before it really existed. You've watched it form, and now that it's there in your hands, you realize that its existence depends upon you.

It's not a moment, after all--it's a question. A decision. Do you stay the person you were and go back to doing the same things you did, or do you become new and do new things? Do you let this question fade, unanswered, back into the unexamined recesses of your mind, or do you grab the question and make it a part of you--drilling yourself for ever answer you can find?

If you're honest with yourself, you know that if you turn back to how things have always been, you'll never feel satisfied. You'll never be content trying to be the past version of yourself, no matter how much you pretend. It's as if the choice has been made for you. It seems so easy to just choose to move forward and become new.

But you hesitate.

You're frightened, and rightfully so. This is not a small thing. You're commiting to run and never go back to the way things were. You don't know if you'll be happy where you're going...

But if you go back, you garuntee that you'll never be truly happy.

So you take the chance--the chance to be happy. Why shouldn't you? This is a freedom you've searched for your whole life. It's been inside you the whole time.

It's true. (And you know it.)

2009-05-09T02:18:00.000-06:00

Every teenager is a hopeless romantic on the inside (myself included).

"I don't want to be alone, i want to be alone with someone."--Mike, twittering.

"I'm not going to lie. This moment would be almost perfect if one of you guys were a girl and the other wasn't here." --Talon, talking to Mike and me on the top of Comb at 1:00am.

"That's the type I'm attracted to... Sometimes, I think about how it could happen, and in my mind, it could happen..." --Talon, having one of those deep, insightful conversations.

"I had this dream... and her hand touched my hand, and our hands just collided, and it was one of those surprised, 'Oh!' moments, but our hands stay there, and then it's a revolutionary, 'Oh. I get it, now.' moment, and we just connect..." --Me, in a deeply insightful conversation about one of those rare dreams that I remember.

"[I want to have] my heart Broken. I can't explain it, but I want to know what it's like." --Stormi's bucket list.

"I know heartbreak isn't fun, I just feel like I need to experience it, put my heart out there you know? when I'm ready of course." --Ruthe, in a deeply insightful internet conversation.

"...and you love them, and you don't know why. And honestly, you don't want to know. You don't care. It doesn't matter..."--Corey, in some late night texting.

I don't think that it really ever dies. I honestly think that we'll be teenagers for life--not physically, but at heart and in our minds.

Patio vs. Money (the final round)

2009-05-08T23:46:00.000-06:00

When I first applied to work at Patio, I was offered a job at Clark's. Clark's was willing to pay me $7 an hour, which was pretty well above minimum wage back then. At Patio, I would make minimum wage.

After a small fight with my mom over what I should do, I chose Patio. Why? I always thought that Brian was the reason I joined, and that's partly true, but it's more than that. I love to cook, but that's not why I chose Patio, either.The real reason I joined the Patio crew was the way it felt like my home away from home. It is the ONLY job I have ever had that has felt that way.

Almost a year later, I sent in an application to join the Youth Corps. of the CCC and the National Parks and Recreation Council. They offered a little over $10 and hour, for ten hours a day, four days a week, for 13 weeks--the almost perfect job for a physically fit, somewhat restless 17 year old.

The coordinator called me today to tell me that they'd like to have me on their crew. Did I take the job? Keep reading...

I talked to Ricky about it, when I sent the application in, and I told him that I might be leaving after this month to the other job. (As far as scheduling goes, he has been unreasonably great to work with.) I was torn. I love Patio, but the money of the other job was alluring. He made me an offer to give me more of a reason to stay.

The benefits of doing the CCC job:
More money.
New people.
Lots of camping.(Not always great, but most times.)
Camping with a bunch of other teens.
Arches National Park

The negative of the CCC job:
Drive to Cello to be bussed to Moab every day (except when they camp)
The schedule is set in stone. (No days off.)
I'd get tired of driving to Moab, which would stifle plans for music-ness.
Possible annoying people.
Hard work in the HOT weather. (Gross.)
Research project/paper/presentation.
Seminars/classes to be taken.
Funny uniforms.
EARLY mornings.

Patio:
Stay home, and have a social life.
Less money.
Stay where I love.
Work with my friends and my sister.
Other good reasons I can't talk about.

To be honest, I think I made the decision before I ever applied to the CCC. I knew what I would have to say when I got the call from them (and I knew I would get the call).

I knew I couldn't leave Patio, yet. It's been my life-line since my Cedar plans fell through. So, I stay at Patio, but I'll be happier here. I just know it.

Patio has beat down money twice, now, but if there is anything I've learned since I moved to this town, it's that if you spend a considerable amount of time at work, you have to love your job. And I love my job.

One bad move.

2009-05-06T19:28:00.001-06:00

Ouch. This could have been bad.

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Blur.

2009-05-05T23:33:00.000-06:00

Over a year ago, I was in school, and our AP English class was writing. We blogged as a class. That's what got all this started. It wasn't just that it was an assignment--that it was something we had to do; instead, I wrote (and I keep writing) because of this quote Ms T gave to us:

"Our lives are at once ordinary and mythical. We live and die, age beautifully or full of wrinkles. We wake in the morning, buy yellow cheese, and hope we have enough money to pay for it. At the same time we have magnificent hearts that pump through sorrow and all winters we are alive on earth. We are important and our lives are important, magnificent really, and their details are worthy to be recorded." --Natalie Goldberg (Writing Down the Bones)

Then she added a note, after the quote that said:

"This is your space and place to write.... Write about the simple and insignificant, the ordinary and mundane, the exciting and mystifying. Whatever strikes your fancy." --Carly Torgerson

My simple and insignificant thing today is that I'm mostly happy with life as a whole. I look back, and while the past year has had some pretty significant ups and downs, I've stayed on top of things, and I'm doing just fine.

It's weird. Because, when I look back and I remember in my mind, I don't go through every little detail of each memory--the cool grass underneath the fireworks, the feel of the couch as I layed down for a quick nap, the funny feeling of waking up with couch imprints on my face--I don't go through those. I can. I mean, obviously, I do remember those things, but I hardly ever purposely do. Instead, when I remember things, I just fade in and out between situations and I have ideas and pictures that overlap each other. I don't remember peoples voices when I do this, or even what they said. I just remember the idea of what they were talking about, and without starting at the beginning or waiting for the end of a conversation or situation, I move on.

There isn't really any sound coming from my memories, more of a... music, almost. It's like a soundtrack that you can't place, but with no instruments. It's so odd to think of it, but I see my memories as more of a music video with no real music, just that lulling hum of my imagination. And it feels good to watch, because some parts of the memories slow down, and I smile a little on the inside. I smile at silent memory music video.

Why I Write

2009-05-03T03:14:00.000-06:00

After a conversation about blogs and parents and misunderstandings and deleting, I kind of wanted to write about why I write this blog.

1. I like to write.
2. It's my public journal, which is about as close to a real journal as I will ever get. (The last real journal was 130 pages, and I wish that about 75 of those were typed.)
3. I like to share my problems, disgruntles, random rants, drawings, music, etc... with anyone who will take the time to read.
4. I have moral support with the things listed above.
5. It helps me to get things off my mind.
6. It is an anti-stressor in my life.
7. I have friends who read my stuff sometimes.
8. I like to read my friends stuff.
9. There are a lot of ideas running through and colliding in my head, and it would be a shame if I were the only one who knew.
10. It's a different side of me that most people don't get to know.
11. I hate lists. (Did you smile?)

I have this dream (daydream, and I have a lot of different daydreams) where one day, I'll write something amazing, and it will change someones life, and when I'm old and blogs are ancient history, that person will come up to me and tell me about it.

I write a lot of sad stuff. Let's face it, 90% of this blog is trajic. To be honest, I'm not a sad person. (I am a tired person, however, but those should not be confused.)

Why do I write sad things? Because I'm a teenager, and with all these raging hormones, rapid environment changes, emotional growth, and that ever aching identity complex, sadness and depression are things that move me to write emotional works. They are also the things I want off my mind the most, and I often feel better after I've written a poem or a post about whatever it is that unsettles me. Sadness is a part of life, and I have to admit that it's a beautiful part of life--it's both terrible and horrible and beautiful and good for you all at the same time. Sadness is a way that you know you have something wrong, and it gives you the direction to fix that something. It's essential to our growth. Sadness happens.

I don't care so much for someone to read this blog and then freak out on me and assume that I'm some sort of sick massochist or sadist, because I'm not. I don't like to be sad, and I don't like others to be sad, but sadness is necessary.

I'm human, and we naturally feel a need to connect with others to find similarities--to see if the same dark thoughts that trouble one person are troubling another--to see if others share our same insecurities.

And so, I write my imperfections, my sadness, my problems, my terrors. And at the same time, I write my dreams, my goals, my aspirations, my lame jokes, my joys.

I write, because I must.

Umm...? (That's all I've got.)

2009-05-03T01:43:00.000-06:00

Life question number one?

WHY?!

Life question number two?

GRRR!

Okay, so "GRRR!" isn't a question. (It would have been, if I had added a question mark after it.) But "GRRR!" seems to be the general sense of what I ask myself in recent... days? ...weeks? ...months? Obviously, I'm not getting much of an answer.

I suppose that the real question should be, "Why am I a teenager, and why are we (as teenagers) the way we are?" The reason I'm not asking myself that question: The answer is ridiculously simple.

It has to be. I have to go through the teenage years, and I will always be the way I will be. (That makes no sense, but it really does if you think about it hard enough/ don't think too hard about it.)

BTW: The past two days, I've had a bunch of different songs stuck in my head. So my favorite songs of the past two days are:

California---Phantom Planet
I Don't Love You---My Chemical Romance
Memory---Sugarcult
Jumper---Third Eye Blind
Los Angeles---Sugarcult
Existentialism on Prom Night---Straylight Run

On my mind.

2009-05-01T02:40:00.000-06:00

I have a really good imagination. I can daydream something, and it feels real, physically. I can picture perfect situations with near-strangers--where, in my head, I'm there, and they're there, and there are no reasons, and we connect. I can feel it as if it really happens. I feel that connection--that isolated moment in time when the world suddenly quiets, and there are no thoughts, no actions... nothing but two individuals, searching for something they don't understand--two individuals, who can feel each other through those brief seconds when eyes meet. Strangers. Different paths, different plans, different lives. There is no need for anything more than that moment.

I like to look into the eyes of people I meet, to see if I can see more than just a series of colors or metaphors for beauty--more than a betrayal of true feelings or a perfect cover. I once heard that the eyes are the window to the soul. I'm looking for a soul that is asking what mine is asking... or one that has an answer.

But what is my soul asking...?

I have a good life. I mean, I have a really good life. Life is relatively easy and simple: I work for something, and I either get it or I don't. Generally when I don't get something, I didn't work enough for it, or I wasn't competative enough to get it.

I have a good plan, and they meet expectations--maybe even exceed expectations. A part of me--the part of me that does what needs to be done--the part of me that people can see, hear, and feel. That part of me wants to keep to the plans.

But underneath that, I'm uneasy. The plan doesn't sit right. Underneath, there is a whole different part of me. It's the part that pushes me to run as fast as I can away from everything here. It isn't satisfied with what I am or what I want to be. It doesn't respond to reason or emotion. It's a constant force that wants me to move and keep moving. It's the feeling that I should take off the headphones, close my eyes, and listen to the silence. It's the force that asks me to not accept anything in this world at face value--to find a deeper connection with everything. It shows me things I don't understand about myself and the world around me. It pricks at the back of my mind when I should notice something, and it constantly reminds me of things I should keep track of... little things, like the way a person looks right before they notice me, or the glance away at every pause, or the way they look into my eyes when I'm talking, but not when they are, or nervous glances around empty rooms, or small things people do when they're stressed. It keeps track, and it makes connections...

And all of those connections lead to that feeling that is at the core of it all. I ignore it, and whenever I do, it screams.

It's not an angry scream, but it's agony. A scream that sums up all of the loss and loneliness a person can feel--a scream that goes beyond the sound.

And all of this time, I'm talking about this as if it were seperate from myself, but it is myself. It's as much a part of me as anything, and it's evident to me in the way I'm aware of myself--the way I take a step away, and I watch myself and analyze what I do, as if I were watching from across a room.

And because it's a part of me, it comes down to an almost unbearable conflict when I don't act as I am. I wants something different than what I think I want--what I claim to know I want. I want to very literally run, to postpone my plans indefinitely, until I find...

...balance.

I feel like I'm tearing myself into two seperate beings my not leaving, but it's a frightening thing to do. But there is no logic to this. Am I not one person? More than a sum of my actions, but a soul.

And none of this makes any sense. How can doubt and reasurrance come from the same place?

It's 2:53am and I'm going

2009-04-30T02:54:00.001-06:00

It's 2:53am and I'm going to bed now. Wake me up when september ends.

Hair Highlights and Pictures

2009-04-28T14:35:00.000-06:00

Highlights just feel better.

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Two new songs. Two month old lyrics.

2009-04-28T00:34:00.000-06:00

Remember that CD I promised way back when? Well, I have good news and bad news.

The Good News is that I am working on the CD. You can listen to the two songs I've roughed out right now. They are in my playlist on the right side. -------------------------->

The Bad News is that I will not finish it until sometime in May, instead of in April like I thought. All the music that Emma recorded was copyrighted, so they won't make it onto the CD.

I'm going to make a music video out of at least one of the songs on this CD, but I need ideas (and actors/actresses... HINT HINT!) It's nothing huge. I just need a plot that fits the music. So... start thinking!

Talon and I are going to do an all acoustic show in Moab, just the two of us. Hopefully, if we can swing it, we'll play at Eddie McStiff's, and if that falls through, their competition, Zak's Pizza, and if that falls through... the park in Moab. We'll keep you posted. Right now, we're getting ready by beginning to rehearse. According to Talon, we have about 25 original songs, and we don't know if they'll let us play covers or not, but if we can... we could play for well over two hours. I'm excited, and this will be a dream come true.

More good news: I start shopping for a car at the end of May! I'm done with college after Friday (officially)! High school ends soon! FOREVER! HAHAHA!

When music fails me...

2009-04-26T02:33:00.000-06:00

I have a problem, and I know it...

I go to music with every problem, every memory, every pain, every excitement, every happy moment, and every bit of spare time I have. I go to music because it's instant, and it's real, and I can feel it, deep inside.

But that's my problem. I go to music for my answers, and I go to music first.

I know that I should go to my knees first, sometimes--if not always. I know that I'll find better answers there, that are specifically for me.

I wish I didn't wait till music fails to ask for help in the right place...

because it's still coming fresh, again...

2009-04-26T02:12:00.000-06:00

I think it's ironic
and just slightly sick,
that when dialed your number
you never did pick
up your phone, and
it's as if you knew what's on my mind.
That I couldn't just leave a message
that I'm leaving "us" behind.

And I know it's going to break you,
but what else can i do?
I'm not just going to wait
and keep holding onto you.
I believe in miracles,
but I'm done living like this.
I don't care if you still haunt my dreams.
Try to understand this:
I don't know what your thinking,
by building up some hope,
and I don't know what I'm doing,
by thinking that we'll cope.
And I'm a fool for letting you back in.
I'm telling you it's a lie.
I'm don't really believe in this.
I bet it makes you cry.

I'm sorry for those tears,
but I've got to let you know,
because I'm dreaming of the past
and a girl I used to know.
But you're not her, and I'm not him.
We're fools if we'd think we were.
And I am crying, too--
not for losing you, but for losing her.

I've no voice for this....

2009-04-26T01:53:00.000-06:00

She's breaking--
she's breaking in.
You know that you've
got no defences from this.
Even after--
after all this time,
your favorite memories
make you cry.
And you wonder
just what you did to earn the right
Perfect memories you cannot fight.
Oh, what you'd give to forget,
but you don't want to forget!
Yes you do, but you can't!
Oh you don't, but you will!
Try to justify:
your favorite memories
are making you cry.

"It is better to have loved and to have lost than to have never loved at all."---Cliche`

I'm not sure if it's true... but I know it is... but at the same time I wonder if I could feel whole...

And it doesn't matter anyway.

I've let go a thousand times, and I was sure this time I was done... I want to be free... I'm tired of trying to hold on, and I'm tired of trying to let go. I'm just tired of it all. I want a redo--to do it again, and to not meet her, and to not become the best of who I was, and to see if I'd be okay... and if I can't redo, I want out. I want to feel as if she didn't expect me to call, because I'm not calling, and she's not calling, and I want to stop expecting her call, and if there were ever a time I wanted to really read her mind, it's now. ...but even if I could, it wouldn't change it. I'm letting go. She's slipping away. And if some wave of life crashes us together again, so be it, but what then? I can't believe it almost makes me bitter. I'll go back to forgetting, and I won't have to worry.

PB and J

2009-04-23T07:45:00.000-06:00

I don't have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches very often, but they sure bring back a lot of memories. At five years old, I was a first grader who's best friend was a girl who chased him around. We were the smartest in the class. I never finished my book of letters.

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Homework and Music: A Self Conducted Evaluation

2009-04-21T01:32:00.000-06:00

My productivity while doing homework starts at 3% without music, if I am writing a paper.

With music, my productivity varies:

Classical 10%
Jack Johnson:              20%
Tribute Quartet:           35%
Taking Back Sunday:   40%
Breaking Benjamin:      50%
Rise Against:                90%
P.O.D.:                       100%

It seems that I need loud music to focus on things I would normally purposefully ignore. Now, I don't consider my louder, grungier music to be mind-numbing, but my loud music does block the rest of the world out very well, and because it takes more effort to understand, I generally don't interpret the music itself because I'm using that extra effort to do my homework.

Of course, sometimes I'm not in the mood for loud music, and that's when I don't get much homework done. (Or I settle for semi-soft hard bands, like the Foo Fighters, and I slowly trudge through my homework, late into the night.)

I love music.

I hate homework.

2009-04-20T20:03:00.000-06:00

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2:14 a.m.

2009-04-20T02:29:00.000-06:00

My heart doesn't burn,
and I'm telling you now.
I'd hoped it would learn,
but it doesn't know how.
It's a heart made from stone,
and it's hard, you can tell.
It weighs more than you know.
It doesn't suit me well,
because I'm swimming in the ocean.
It's weighing me down,
and a heart made of stone doesn't burn.
It drowns.

I wish I had motive to sleep, do homework, read, or do anything, really...

I'd rather just sit here, thinking diconnected thoughts, not trying to make sense of it all, but feeling like it all makes sense, anyway.

The Time to Sleep is NOW!

2009-04-19T22:25:00.000-06:00

And yet, I'm awake, and I'll be awake for at least four more hours.

It's not homework that's keeping me awake, even though I do have plenty to do.

It's not that I have a lot on my mind, but I do have a lot on my mind.

It's not that I'm worried about anything particulart, because I'm not, really.

It's not that my bed isn't comfortible, because it really is.

It's this weird thing in my head that makes me want to sleep, without letting me. I believe it has to do with serotonin levels and my lack of dreams and REM sleep, but all the same, I've given up on leading a normal sleeping life. I really hope I get a job that I can work the graveyard shift at college. How's it going to be if I do? My natural circadian rythm wakes me up around 11am and knocks me out around 4am... It's also dependent upon the amount of daylight in a day. The shorter the day, the later I have to wake up to feel rested. The longer the day, the earlier I can wake up, rested. Sometimes my feeling of rest isn't even deprived from the amount of sleep I get, but from when I wake up... If I go to bed at 6am, and I wake up at 11am, I feel wonderful. Granted, I'm a little slow for the first 30 minutes, but I feel good.

I don't understand it.

2009-04-18T20:30:00.000-06:00

I just wrote this on the bus ride home from state drama. I'm not home yet, but I wanted to put this up. Strangers and you know it, even though you'd never show it. You're lost to me, but how on earth are you supposed to know? Take it for granted, that if we took the chance we'd have it. I give up. I realize now, we

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Acoustics: Two Mashups and One Original

2009-04-16T01:42:00.000-06:00

Quiet Goodbye (my original)

Don't Stop Believing in Sk8er Boi

Adam Wakes Up for the Kids

Life is Tough.

2009-04-13T03:03:00.000-06:00

To start out positive:

Prom was way fun! I didn't go with the person I planned to go with, originally. And I didn't go with the originally planned group, but it was a blast.*

I'm impressed with everyone in the group for actually going off the edge (even though Jordann didn't actually go off the edge... [cough] wimp! [cough]... okay. Just kidding. She'd done it before.

Ruthe almost didn't go, but I talked her into harnessing up and walking down to the edge. Then she decided to go all the way. (see photo above)**

Now to go a different direction...

Some people should smile more... They've got great smiles.

Some people ought to think twice before they do something that could hurt someone else. Timing is almost always everything.***

My room is mostly in boxes, and I don't even leave till August.****

*I'm not torn about this at all.

**After she was off, I realized how high up I was and how close to the edge I was... Then I quickly moved away from the edge... I have a terrible fear of falling from high places.

***What's ONE opportunity missed?! Honestly! And for the sake of someone else's feelings....

****Still car-less.

Now... or Later? A Seemingly Rhetorical Question.

2009-04-09T00:56:00.000-06:00

I am faced with a tough decision: I have a little over $500 set aside over the past month and a half wich I plan to use to help purchase a used car in the price range of $1,000-2,000. Using my current work patterns, I have calculated that if I don't spend more than 10% of my paychecks, I can come up with the amount of $2,000 before August.

I'm buying a car. That decision has been made.

Here is the decision I'm faced with: I could take out a loan to buy the car, and pay 7% in interest, and pay the loan off before August. If I take the loan out for $2,000, I'll end up paying $30 in interest. That means that I'll pay $30 to have the car four months earlier. It's a small price to pay for the amount of stress having a car of my own relieves, and because I have the $500 already saved, I will be able to stay at least one payment ahead, always.

After virtually "shopping" around, I've determined that the cars I've liked the best (as far as age, quality, mileage, condition, value, mpg, etc...) fall right in the $1,100-1,600 range.

If I do get a loan... I could go shopping for the car when I am in SL on the 23rd and 24th.

It's hard to explain this to my parents, especially when they find the decision just as hard as I do. At first they support me... then they aren't sure... then one supports me and the other doesn't... then they both support me... then my mom asks me what I really want, all selfishness aside...

I didn't quite understand that one. Yes, I do want a car, and Yes, I do want it now. The now is more of a convenience than a necessity, but I am prepared to pay the dollar amount for it, and I deem it justified.

At the same time, I'm not sure if it's selfishness or not, but I'm 17... a boy needs his car. And I mean needs. It's extremely emotional, especially after having a truck for so long. If for nothing else than a sense of security that being able to drive brings.

2009-04-06T23:37:00.000-06:00

If We're All Alone, Aren't We in this Together?

"Start up the engine
Lets get out by heading away from here
There's no next year for me here
Take hits and pass it
And let all the ashes fall to the floor
Once you have it all, you'll still want more
Take my innocence away, would they even notice
Either way?
My visions blurred, can you tell I'm a kid that was
Not into going to church?

...

Someone sees smoke, call 911
Lets let this burn until it's done
Don't walk away. lets let them see the
Mess that we became
Sirens flashing, here's the cops
Don't blame this on not having jobs but dreams
And I see things cause I'm not afraid to
Think outside the box
And now I'm shaking, I hope I'm making
Perfect sense so place your best
To see where I end up and oh my god this
Place is so messed up

Rip me apart to see my insides
Compose myself I'm not secure
And don't believe a single thing
That you have heard
Throw my pride into this fire
My confidence is dead, I'm tired
Who's giving up? (I'm giving up)
I won't burn out, I'll just burn up
And I was raised on excellence
Always taught to look my best
I don't wanna be just anybody
I don't wanna be anything you forget
Villains die and heroes live forever
Tragic endings get remembered
I don't wanna be just anybody
I won't be someone you forget....

They won't forget you in the end"
--October Fall

Sometimes songs just hit you. This is one of those times. This song tweaks something inside, and it's so emotionally charged. Songs like this make you think of change. This generation is so ready for change, right now.

That Feeling...

2009-04-06T00:29:00.000-06:00

It's about 12:30 at night, and I should be at least "trying" to get some sleep, but I'm not.

The truth is: I really don't want to.

What I do want to do is run. I want to just run away. I want to drive as far as I can in four hours, and then drive back as if I had never left. Then maybe--just maybe--I could bear the thought of going to school tomorrow. If I were in better shape, I'd run, even--seeing that I don't have a car anymore.... It's probably a good thing that I don't, because I'm feeling just crazy enough to do it.

Three weeks till the first freedom. Five till the second. Eleven till the third. College. High school. Car.

I would give a lot for my truck, right now. But it's probably better that I don't have it.... Ugh!

Cell Picture

2009-04-05T02:35:00.001-06:00

The road.

It's time.

2009-04-05T02:29:00.000-06:00

I'm tired of being sad and depressed and an overall downer.

I'm tired of not wanting to do anything.

I'm tired of dreaming and dreaming, and never doing.

I'm going to start living my dreams, and I'm going to start now. My plans have changed, so that I'm staying home till August, because I'm not buying a car till June 20somethingth, and I might as well just work where I like to work, anyway. (And the whole being a minor, trying to find a job in a town you don't really know, while not having a car and trying to pay food and rent...) I have this summer to live at least one big dream (which isn't so huge...).

I'm going to play my music in a show in Moab.

I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but to me it is. I've wanted to do it since the eighth grade. It's not going to be super loud or huge, but it's going to mean something--I can feel it. I can just feel it....

More of my lyrics:

(Verse 1 and the ending)
Isn't this what you wanted--
the quietest goodbye?
A letter on the table,
I thought I'd never write.
I'd always wanted different,
but I've always lived a lie.
Boxes in that empty room--
tail lights in the night.

(Verse 2)
Three hundred miles of silence,
nothing but the wind.
My foot won't leave the pedal,
I cannot begin
to describe the things that I have
all locked up within.
I let go of the wheel.
I let the future in.

(Bridge [after the second chorus])
The windows are up,
but the wind is still in my hair.
I know where I'm headed,
but I'm not stopping when I get there.

(Chorus)
I'm just sleeping,
holding on to nothing,
but I am tired.
I'm missing something.
Midnight driving--
I'm so calm right now.
Wish that this was
how I've always felt.

Corduroy's and Converse

2009-04-02T00:22:00.000-06:00

Riding on the bus is a strange experience. It's a time to think and a time to laugh and a time to look at all the changes around me. I looked out the window and watched the familiar scenery, but it's different from my memory. I talk with my friends and realize that some have always been there, and others are brand new. They tell me of past times. It's different now from how it was. I wore carpenter pants and running shoes. Now I wear corduroy's and converse.

It's different now.

All around the country and coast to coast, people always ask me, what I like most. I don't want to brag. I don't want to boast. I always tell them...

2009-04-02T00:12:00.001-06:00

...that I like toast!

This is a grilled peanut butter and jelly and BANANA sandwich. It was delicious. Random? Yes. But it was beautiful.

Re-writing A Good Friend

2009-03-30T01:43:00.000-06:00

This is my version of my friend, Chas's, song. The first is the chorus.

"You are a good friend"
A lie, I tell myself.
I know it's just a sound--
the ocean in a shell.
"You are a good friend"
my best friends say to me.
They don't understand,
that I'll be the one who leaves.
"You are a good friend"
Or so I'll tell myself.
Even though, I know
I'll end up by myself.

I'll send a small kiss
straight through the skies.
You'll wait to recieve it,
as time passes you by.
I'll still remember
the times we all had wings,
and I'm still up here, flying,
even if sometimes it seems

as your minds begin to change.

Because I disappear,
as our hearts rearrange.
I disappear.

I'll always be here,
even if you're not.
A little time has passed,
and you forgot
The times when words were real,
we lived the summer dreams.
Please hold onto me,
even if it seems
like I disappear,
as your minds begin to change.

Because I disappear,
as our hearts rearrange.
I disappear.

Music.

2009-03-30T00:22:00.000-06:00

This is how it works:

You post the friend, tag them [if you want to], and the song you got from that friend. (Whether they made you listen to it, or they played, or they literally GAVE it to you...)
It'll show how your friends influenced your music taste!

Greg.........Girls---Beastie Boys
David.......Video Killed the Radio Star---The Bangles
Jessica......Stars Go Blue---Tim McGraw
Cori..........The Kids Don't Stand a Chance---Vampire Weekends
Stormi.......If We're All Alone, Aren't We in This Together?---October Fall
Ruthe........Sober---Pink
Mike.........Anthem---Zebrahead
Talon........Favorite Disease---Thousand Foot Crutch
Sam..........Rape Me---Nirvana
Kelly.........You're So Last Summer---Taking Back Sunday
Chas.........Good Friend---Go Ask Charlton
Alice.........Far Away---Nickleback
Joy............Existensialism on Prom Night---Straylight Run
Anne.........Black Balloon---Goo Goo Dolls
Jill..............Magic---Colbie Callait (or however you spell it)
Emma........Lucky---Jason Mraz
Michelle.....Swing Life Away---Rise Against
Brian..........Buffalo Soldier---Bob Marley (and many, many more)

When Freedom Can't Release its E-Brake.

2009-03-29T02:36:00.000-06:00

Charley was freedom. (Charley was my truck. Charley is a girl truck.)

For a 17 year old, my security rested in my big, red, beat-up, ill-repaired truck. My truck was the one thing that could really save a bad day. Like, the world is collapsing in on me, but I'm safe here in my truck. Or like, I'm moving out in June, and I'll be on my own, but it'll be okay, because I have my truck. Or like, If I ever really just flip, I can just drive and deal with the repercussions later, and I can do it because I have my truck. Or... if I really had to, I could live out of my truck.

Now, I might not move out in June, and if I do, I'll go crazy, because I might be on a bike, or borrowing Dad's truck, or I might have to take out a loan and get a car.... The world is collapsing around me, and I'm getting crushed. I can't just drive. If I had to, I'd be in a tent, duct-taped to a bike.

I don't know exactly what it is, but I feel terribly vulnerable without it. It has my blood, sweat, and tears (not to mention a lot of money and a lot of memories) locked inside its hood and behind its doors, and I'll never see it again. It's not that I'm broken up so much about the memories and work and money and blood being gone... it's that I can't move now. I don't feel like I have breathing space. I'm stuck. I'm in a tight space, and I am claustrophobic to the extreme.

Call the doctor! Paramedic! It's panic attack central, and there are no paper bags. Asthmatic reaction and no inhaler. Seizure on a bed of nails. The ocean without a boat. Epileptic seizure at a laser show that just won't end. Painful wound that leaves you bleeding, and all you have is aspirin... Biggest show of your life, and you're voice is gone. Needing a happy song, but all you have is Staind, Dashboard, and Rise Against. Needing a happy movie, but all you have is Edward Scissorhands. Falling up the stairs just to catch yourself, over-compensate, and fall back down them. Dehydration, and all they have are caffeinated drinks. (Caffeine is a diarhettic.) Heatstroke in Phoenix, blocks away from water. Daylight deficiency in Alaska.

ETC!

I want my security back! What is Superman without his car?

The Worst Week Ever

2009-03-27T22:52:00.000-06:00

My truck... Gone.

Then not...

Then gone... again.

For good.

Tests suck.

Great dress rehearsal the night before region.

Getting sick the night before region.

Being sick for the two days through region.

Being sick.

Registration.

Financial aid.

Money.

Jobs, bicycles, and cars.

Loans?

Student aid?

Waiting....

Smiling through the whole thing, without freaking out.

Freaking out on the inside and late at night when I can't sleep.

Fevers.

Pepto Bismal.

Ibuprofen.

Coke.

Obligations to the shows.

The show must go on.

Not knowing if I can make it go on.

Grief.

Lyric Free Writing

2009-03-23T01:24:00.000-06:00

Your Favorite Memories Make You Cry

The fire from your eyes
burns my own, scars my mind.
Don't believe it when you say,
"I'll be along." You'll be away.
Just make believe I don't exist.
And that my lips, you'll never kiss.
And as I'm breaking myself down.
I won't even be around.

"Give it a rest." I tell myself,
I'll make my life a living hell.
And while I'm chasing paper wings,
you'll move on to better things.
I wish you did not exist,
that I'm not dreaming of a kiss.
And as I'm building all this up,
I know that I have had enough.

The fire from your eyes
is burnt out in my mind.
I wish you hadn't said,
"I'll be there." You're in my head.
I pretend you don't exist,
as I'm blocking out all this.
And I start tearing the past down,
to keep the memories of you out.

You are up and I am down,
but you're not here and you're not now.
It's been years since you left this town.

(I actually wrote the last part before, but I can't remember the last part of it. It's the chorus.)

Jerk-ness: Out in the open

2009-03-22T00:54:00.000-06:00

I said "that's what she said." multiple times in terribly inappropriate moments. One of those times, it probably was what she said. (I still look back, and I find it funny.)

I didn't talk to a friend in a week when she needed a friend the most. I ignored her. I may have been justified because of circumstances, but that doesn't make it right. That's a regret.

I left my band.

I lied.

I just stop talking to people, without giving any reason.

I lie to spare feelings.

I judge a lot of people as the type that only think they want to know what I'm really thinking.

That's my quick "I'm a jerk" list.

Books!

2009-03-22T00:46:00.000-06:00

My books came!

Memory.

2009-03-21T01:02:00.000-06:00

What would it take to make me miss this town?

Not much. Truth be told, I will miss it.

There are random times that start with knowing that you have to try to change the fact that it's another wasted day.

Enter phone.

Bicycle?

Truck.

Pop and melted peanut butter M&M's.

Truck. (Left turn)

Swing.

Loud people.

Truck.

Truck.

House.

Crazy people.

Movie.

Phone.

Door.

Truck.

Random times are what I live for. Things that are chill. Things that can be as simple as you want them. Things that make you wonder why you complicated the rest of your life.

Why do I like to complicate?

I'll miss this town.

Breathe. Another sappy post. What can I say?

2009-03-20T04:37:00.000-06:00

I have a headache wich is intensified by bright light and loud sounds. This is bad for two reasons: The computer screen is bright, and I can't listen to my music loud enough to penetrate my thoughts so I can zone out.

I really just want to let go, without saying that I've let go... but I want it to be clear that I'm not holding on. The problem is that I really want to hold on to the hope that one day I'll have something to hold on to.

To be honest, I don't know if I can bring myself to let go again. I hate believing in things that don't make sense and that don't have any real support. I hate not knowing why I'm so attached to something I don't believe in. I hate breaking things. Maybe I should've stayed away.

I'm attached to something I haven't spent much time with--something I don't know--something that doesn't know me--something that might not exist, as much as it wants to.

Talon--"These things don't ever work out in real life. Why even try, when you know you'll fail?"

I don't know.

Story of my life, right?

"I want love--just a different kind. I want love that won't build me up, won't break me down, won't fence me in. I wan't love that don't mean a thing. That's the love I want. I wan't love."---Elton John

At the same time...

"I am so resilient. I can bend and not break... or I can break and take it with a smile."---Dashboard Confessionals

...but some part of me...

"Burn it down, till the embers smoke on the ground. And start anew, when your heart is an empty room, with walls of the deepest blue.... And all you see is where else you could be when you're at home. Out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone."---Death Cab For Cutie

And if I try?

"There's no promise of safety with these secondhand wings... the melting point of wax means nothing to me."---Thrice

Sometimes I get so frustrated.

"I don't ever want to see you again. I don't ever want to see you again, my love..."---The Academy Is...

"All because of you, I haven't slept in so long. When I do I dream of drowning in the ocean--longing for the shore, where I can lay my head down. I'll follow your voice. All you have to do is shout it out.... All because of you, I believe in angels. Not the kind with wings. No, not the kind with halos. The kind that bring you home, when home becomes a strange place..."---Rise Against

I don't want to regret anything.

"At the end of the world, or the last day I see,you are never coming home--never coming home, tonight.... I remember, now, at the top of my lungs, in my arms--she dies... she dies..."---My Chemical Romance

But the other day...

"Hello my friend. We meet, again. It's been a while. Where should we begin? Feels like forever. Within a my heart, a memory..."---Creed

And it seems ridiculous...

"And true, it may seem like a stretch, but it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head, when you're away--when I am missing you to death."---The Postal Service

But those dreams...

"And then you said a little more about your dreams--like that was my call? If you would only listen. Bypass everything and went straight for the neck."---Taking Back Sunday

I have this dream of being a hero.

"Whatever tomorrow brings--I'll be there."---Incubus

But I don't want:

"She's mostly gone some other place. I'm getting by in other ways. Everything they whispered in our ears are coming true. Try to justify the things I used to do--believing you. Watching you drown, I follow you down. I am here right beside you."---Nine Inch Nails

I want to brush it all off.

"Another turning point. A fork stuck in the road."---Green Day

I feel trapped at the same time.

"I've been locked inside your heart shaped box for weeks."---Nirvana

But can I bear the thought of...

"She was crazy for you. Now she's part of something that you've lost. And for all you know, this could be the difference between what you need and what you want to be."---Matchbox Twenty

And I'm a total jerk sometimes (a lot).

"'You are a good friend.' I convince myself, even it seems I'm always by myself."---Go Ask Charlton

And it's late, and I'm not sleeping.

"I sit alone and watch the clock, trying to collect my thoughts. All I think about is you."---Staind

And when I want to break this shadow of attachment...

"I've been trying to find out if the angel bends or breaks... or shatters like a stone. Oh I, I want to destroy something beautiful for you.... Destruction and creation are the same things, after all..."---Josh Woodward

And I look at my options...

"One word: contradiction. It's absurd to think you know the difference between."---Betablokka

But I want closure, if I'm ending it.

"If this is the last time. Don't think I'll be alright. Already, I feel like I'm in over my head. And I need a language to better explain this, 'cause I'm havin' feelings I can't describe."---Ag Silver

And if I don't, how long do I feel like:

"There's something missing--left behind. I search in circles every time I try."---Trapt

Grief.

"Friday night--I'm goin' nowhere. All the lights are changing: green to red."---David Gray

"I wish the world was flat like the old days."--Death Cab For Cutie

2009-03-14T00:41:00.000-06:00

I find it odd that the year begins in the dead of winter. It would be more appropriate if the new year began in the early spring. Some die in the winter, in the same way trees die. The only life is held deep in the roots, but there is no growth and no development.

I die. Every winter, I die a little. Whether it's the lack of sunlight, the cold, or the way that every good event is so toned down or overshadowed. Or perhaps it's that I'm numb in the winter--that I don't feel--that I don't want to feel.

What will the spring be? I feel like I'm looking in a mirror: My reflection is myself, long--but not so long ago, and I am the same as I once was, but I am different in ways I can't see. Do feelings really change? I'm sure they do, but at the same time, I'm certain they don't.

The same, but different.

"So this is the new year."--Death Cab For Cutie

The Speech We Didn't Hear

2009-03-11T23:34:00.000-06:00

Ladies and gentlemen, you have already proved that you are the best of the best. Many of you have put hours of work and sleepless nights into the building of your portfolios. Some of you have worked on elaborate projects in your categories. Some of you have poured your entire lives into being the best you could be as students and as citizens. You've competed against each other, and while I could say that you are all winners, I would be lying. There is one winner and two runners up in each category. While we celebrate all of your academic achievements, this is a competition, not a festival.

My challenge to all of you: No matter the outcome of this competition, do not let it go to your head. The value of your life is not determined or even affected by the decisions of the judges. Realize that there will be other contests--other competitions, and consequently, different outcomes. The time old saying, "You win some. You lose some." will hold true throughout your life. If you are truly passionate, your wins and losses will not matter. I repeat: True victory has no score.

Many of you will go on to do great things within the categories you have competed in, but you will not be the only ones to do great things. There will be great people who arise out of unlikely circumstances, who exceed expectations and standards. They will not have competed as a Sterling Scholar, and they may have never acheived great academic success.

If you are not recognized today for greatness, and you wish to be, make tomorrow your crowning day. If you win today, know that this is not the final challenge. You must strive to win tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.

You have every right to celebrate if you win, and you have every right to mourn if you lose, but you must know that tomorrow is another day, with another challenge. Today's events must not hinder your drive.

Thank you, Sterling Scholars.

Walls, Shells, Headphones, and the Ocean

2009-03-11T06:28:00.000-06:00

I sat down and waited--a quiet smile on my face. Everyone looked calm. Teenagers tell the best lies. You are all winners. If we were all winners, it wouldn't have been a competition. Not even the winners would buy that lie.

I waited, hoped, and expected to hear my name. My heart skipped when the first two names were not mine. The applause ended, and I set my face--my last defence--preparing for the worst. "The winner..." echoed through my mind, but I didn't hear anything more.

I hated that I had perfect control of my emotions, my composure. I hated that I was smiling. I hated that I didn't even feel a twinge of sadness. I hated to loose...

But teenagers tell the best lies.

We die inside, and we'd never show it. With my very actions, I betrayed myself. I hated fake people--people who put on masks to please the world--people who hide what they really feel--people who do what I did. I justified my actions. Circumstances called for proper behavior. I could think of hundreds of places I would have rather been. I needed to find myself suddenly whisked away to a cool beach on the pacific--some secluded place in North California. I needed to see the ocean, to feel it's depth. I needed it to remind me that the competition was a small thing...

But I was surrounded instead by a sea of people with mixed emotions. My mind refused to acknowledge the previous minutes, and already, I was beginning to repress the events of the day.

Remember the challenge... Push yourself... If there were ever a time where words were wasted from the preacher to the choir, it was then. We have already become the foundation of who we will become in future years. How did we get here?

Push yourself... Associates of Science, my own book, my job, my plays, my diploma, a GHA graduate--I'll be on my own in three months--all at the age of 17. Sometimes, I feel the need to slap public speakers. That was a 'feel-good' speech for the parents.

I don't mean to sound bitter, but I'll be posting what the speech should have read.

I don't regret it, but it doesn't feel good to loose. I'll smile anyway, but teenagers tell the best lies.

Every Morning

2009-03-09T19:03:00.001-06:00

I am not a morning person, but I do have a routine. It goes as follows:

8:00a.m. - First cell phone alarm goes off. I push dismiss.

8:15a.m. - Second cell phone alarm goes off. I push snooze.

8:20a.m. - Snooze.

8:25a.m. - Snooze.

8:30a.m. - I finally dismiss the alarm, and roll from my bed to the floor.

8:35a.m. - Change from yesterday's clothes to clean clothes.

8:40a.m. - Brush teeth. Maybe gel or moose hair. (maybe)

8:45-8:50a.m. - Drive to school and park next to Stormi (or have Stormi park next to me).

8:55-9:00a.m. - Arrive (possibly late) to class.

Every morning.

Perspective

2009-03-09T00:47:00.001-06:00

We are what we see, and what we see is dependent on the place we stand--our point of view. When we're close to something or if it's happening in the now, it will seem bigger than it really is. In the same way, if something is far away--physically or on the time line--it will seen smaller than it really is. This is why keeping things in perspective is so important. We have to teach ourselves to just find balance.

Epic.

2009-03-08T23:11:00.000-06:00

I just read Stormi's blog about wanting this summer to be epic, and I realized that I leave June 1st. This means that my 'epic summer' in B-town will be about... one week. I have determined to make that week the best/craziest/most fun week ever.

I need to take a few people who haven't been yet and jump off a cliff or two.

I need to have this town remember that I'm leaving.

I need to: (Your answer here)

What should I do? School is out the 22nd of May. That leaves approximately eight total party days (give or take a day). Then I enter the world of working and paying rent. EPIC! That's what I want--an epic eight days.

Hearts.

2009-03-07T00:24:00.000-07:00

The trouble with hearts is that they get beat like drums at every bump in the road.
They get shaken, but they don't move.
They just keep that steady beating.

Beat a heart hard enough, and that heart will bleed.
With every bump, another beat.
Beating heart that's bleeding.

The life sustaining pain.

Hard beats the soft heart.

Soft beats the hard heart.

Loud beats the large heart.

Quiet beats the small heart.

Steady beats the kind heart.

Unpredictable beats the angry heart.

Hard hearts break loudly.

Soft hearts break quietly.

Kind hearts break often.

Angry hearts break rarely.

Large hearts break openly.

Small hearts break others.

Somedays...

2009-03-07T00:04:00.000-07:00

I've got a lot of "somedays" I'm looking forward to, because I don't want to (and I can't, even if I did want to) do everything today. I've been thinking about accomplishments, today (because I feel overly accomplished), and I've come up with a sort of non-exclusive "Bucket-List" or a list of things I want to do before I kick the bucket.

I want to:

Write a story that will make the reader cry.
Skydive (Cliche`, I know... but I still want to do it.)
Run a half marathon.
Play my songs in a bookstore that will sell one or two of my books.
Do something completely crazy, on a whim, with someone(s) I don't really know.
Be a doctor.
Make my own music a permanent part of my life.
Sleep for a week straight, just because I can.
Make a butt-load of money.
Build my own little house. (Yes. Little.)
Blow people away without trying. (I mean, I want to knock them speechless--stunned.)
Prove myself to myself.
Drive across the country. (Back and forth.)
Put new tires on the big red truck. (Her name is Charlie, and she needs new shoes.)
Drive my big red truck till she dies. (And I hope she never dies!)
Learn to really let go.
Be that one stranger you never forget.
To ride a Greyhound.
To play my guitar on the beach, for no reason other than to play.
Go to a couple concerts.
Mosh in a mosh pit. (Slam-dance and just run into random people to the beat of hardcore music.)
Have the confidence to simply walk up to a beautiful girl and tell her that.
Be missed.
Miss.
Live on my own.
Learn German and French.
Live in France and Germany.
Not care what others think.
Be EPIC.
Be loved.
Love.
Fall in love.
Have a not-so-serious relationship.
Understand myself and my feelings.
Ride a few more motorcycles.
Climb a few more rocks.
Jump off a few more cliffs.
Swim across the reservior.
Get over my fear of drowning.

That's all I've got so far.

BTW: I passed the English CLEP exam! I'm graduating in May after all.

Push Play

2009-03-05T04:19:00.000-07:00

My eyelids feel like they scratch my eyes with every blink. My body is one hollow ache. The dark ceiling is all too familiar. A small light on the smoke alarm is the only variation in the deepest blue above me--the one star in the sky of the deepest blue.

I'm more than a little bitter. I want to be anything but awake.

My headphones are my only relief when it's this bad. They whisper the sweetest nothings and scream the hardest accusations. The sudden changes in emotion and volume distract my tired mind from itself. Across every song that plays is a common thread, weaved across the soft, lovely, ballads and across the hard, harsh symphonies of controlled chaos and across the eclectic waves of poorly produced demo tracks and across the elite classics and across the new-age punk flicks. It weaves in and out in an infinite spiral, surrounding me in the soul of music.

The protective fabric of music is my bulletproof vest--impenetrable by anything in the world. It doesn't require batteries or headphones, though I use those things. It's always there, woven into my mind and heart and skin. I hear it always--not any particular song, but I hear the silent sounds from the heart of music. It's wrapped about my very core, giving me enough comfort to keep from loosing my composure after the longest nights.

Music is life. It sounds cliche`, but the truth is like that somedays.

Existentialism, Pacifism, and Freedom

2009-03-04T02:26:00.000-07:00

Existentialism is the belief that one controls his/her own destiny through his choices, actions, and beliefs.

Pacifism is a belief in non-resistance.

Freedom is the ability to choose between different actions.

I recently wrote a post where I described "Pacifism in a physical sense" as a solution to war.

I believe that life is the first and ultimate freedom. Living beings can and do change, in more ways than physically and emotionally. We choose what we value, and we determine our own actions, and therefore we determine many of our own consequences and many consequences for others.

In the same post mentioned above, I made the statement that "[to] kill a person intentionally is to judge them as unable to change for the better." By this rule, is Pacifism right? To clarify: If killing intentionally is an ultimate condemnation, is the allowance of killing also an ultimate condemnation if the killing can be stopped?

I can't come to an absolute conclusion. Imagine a simple senario with one attacker and two victims. While I may be willing to give my own life up, I can't speak for the other victim. If I can save a life, am I not obligated to do so?

I don't believe in war, wether it's needed or not. Violence may be an answer, but it is always temporary. Change is the only lasting answer. There is no victory in killing.

"Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime." --Ernest Hemingway

There has to be a better way... If every person would put their own life last, instead of first, or at least at an even level with all other lives, we might have peace. It's strange that we fight over the most unlimited resources--beliefs and values, when we can have as many of those as we want. I think it would make more sense to fight over a resource which is much rarer--life.

"...immortality and eternal life for man."

Another thought: A murderer is a mortal man who thinks he's qualified to judge on an immortal scale.

Close Your Eyes

2009-03-02T21:43:00.000-07:00

Anyone up for being hypnotized?

I've read a lot (and I mean hundreds upon hundreds of pages) on hypnotism, hypnosis, self-hypnosis, and Neuro Linguistic Programming, and I understand how it works to an extent. It's always fascinated me--the amount of control our minds have over what we experience. Some say that it's a little creepy, and I have to agree. Accessing the REM cycle in an off state of consciousness/unconsciousness just seems like fiction, but according to many people, it works.

I've experimented with self hypnosis, and I'd say that it works to a degree.

I haven't ever experimented with hypnotizing anyone else, but if you wake up on your front lawn, and you can't remember why you were there, I may be the suspect. (I'm just kidding, by the way.)

I got on the subject of hypnosis by thinking about my crazy sleeping habits (or habits of not sleeping). I basically told myself that when I woke up (after only two hours of sleep), I would feel like I had slept eight hours. I also helped my little self-hypnosis/pep-talk along by sleeping with my legs bent and elevated. (I don't remember why this helps, but it worked for me). While I didn't feel like I had gotten 'enough' sleep, I did feel pretty good when I woke up. I'm still going, and it is now 9:41p.m.. I will be going to bed very shortly.

PS Stormi, young is the only way to die! Heaven forbid that I grow old. I do plan to live forever, though. (It's been working for me, so far.)

How Much Weight Can Eyelids Hold?

2009-03-02T19:43:00.000-07:00

Hercules was able to hold the weight of the world on his shoulders, but I hold the weight of a lifetime of insomnia on my eyelids. What is that weight, in comparison? Did Hercules get used to the weight? Will I?

My brain must be melting in my skull, like the plastic handle of a spatula that has been left on a frying pan on a hot burner--like an icecube on the hood of a black car in July--like gum on asphault, when it's hot outside.

How much can one mind take before it deteriorates?

How much weight can eyelids hold?

Productive? Why...?

2009-03-02T05:45:00.000-07:00

It is now (let me check my phone)... 5:42a.m.
This means, I have officially pulled another all nighter. Which brings me to my question: Why am I more productive at 3:00a.m. as opposed to 3:00p.m? Is thise why I have insomnia? I got a LOT done.

I supposed some people are cursed to sleep during the best part of my day.

I'm now off to bed for an hour or two. Toodles!

Happy Things (Because I do have happy things)

2009-02-28T03:25:00.001-07:00

Here is my non-exclusive list of things that make me happy. Ruth and Stormi did it, so it was only a matter of time.

Here goes:

Laying in bed, listening to music
Relaxing so much you don't know if you're awake or asleep
Sleeping
Writing anything--blogs, lyrics, poems, music
Reading friends' blogs
Books that break your heart but leave you hopeful
Movies that go beyond the simple plot
Endings that let people continue to be human, instead of a happily ever after ending
Sunshine
Warm days
Warm, sunny rain showers
Red things
Blue things
Driving--the longer the drive, the better (I could drive forever)
My big red truck
Feeling music (through my whole body and soul)
When people tell me I'm wrong, and they can prove it
Being right
Being alone for a few hours a day
Writing at 2:00am
Listening to my friends' music and playlists
Bands that sound good live
Weird music and movies
Black and white photos
Taking pictures
Fashion and photo magazines
Sewing (weird, huh?)
Shoes (I can't explain this one, I just love shoes)
Shopping
Playing guitar
Performing
Myspace and Facebook
Randomly hanging out with different people
Poetry readings
The Bluff hippies (they crack me up!)
Proving people wrong
Knowing that I fake it more than I make it
Listening to Death Cab, mixed with Rise Against, Adele, and Taking Back Sunday
Complex metaphors
The Pacific Ocean

This totally helped to just un-stress my day. Thanks Ruthe and Stormi!

On INSUBORDINATION!

2009-02-26T13:27:00.000-07:00

I have issues...

I do not pay attention in classes in the same way that other students do. In fact, I don't really understand how it is I remember most everything said in my classes. To take this further, I am writing this at the same time the BCIS 1010 instructor is telling us the content we will be tested on when we take our midterm exam. While I'm not looking at him or even paying any direct attention to him, I have still noted specifics in my mind that I may need to review before Tuesday.

At the same time, I'm also checking my E-mail inbox for new messages on a frequent basis.

To be honest, I'm terribly bored, and I believe that if I took my laptop to any of my other classes, I could subdue the boredom brought on by over-simplified lectures with a little writing. Of course, this would be terribly disrespectful, but if I had the option, I wouldn't hesitate. (This is the reason for the title of this post. I feel rebellious in a nerdy way.)

Insomnia

2009-02-24T22:22:00.000-07:00

I wrote this some time ago to describe my insomnia.

Insomnia

There they are- those magic numbers, spelled out in faint green LED lights.

2:00...

Monday. I never meant to turn over and look at the clock at that precise moment, but I did. I try to force myself to sleep, knowing in my head that I'm tired enough to drop like a rock. I hold my eyes open until the clock has shown me that a minute has passed, and my eyes burn from dryness. I close them and hold them closed.

No great questions of life fly through my mind. I don't think of the major events in my day. There isn't really a coherent thought running through my head. It's like consciously being unconscious, and I'm lying here listening to the silence of my own thoughts. I do this for some length of time, until I realize that I'm still awake. I keep my eyes closed, hoping that it was some type of dream, but I have no way of checking, unless I peek at the clock. Slowly, I open my eyes, and through the blur of my eyelashes, I read the numbers.

2:30...

Maybe I did sleep. I didn't feel like my eyes were closed for that long, and I could just be toying with my own mind. It's so hard to tell at this time at night... or morning.... However that works.

My Lens

2009-02-24T22:13:00.000-07:00

The Lens, Through which I See the World

If you were to take a mental snapshot from my point of view and compare it to a mental snapshot of your point of view, what would the differences be?

My personal lens has a low depth of feild, which means that when I focus on something particular, anything closer or further away from that object will be blurry. I don't always focus for very long, but when I do, I can isolate the subject away from the background and begin to analyze it.

I do this with people--friends and strangers alike. I watch people, and I analyze their actions without factoring in their circumstances. I'd like to think that by doing this, I somehow learn something about a person that most people don't know. I've found that a lot of people are very internal--constantly staring at nothing particular while making slight changes in their facial expresions. I've found that others live very much in the present, paying attention to every little thing that happens around them and responding accordingly. Some people walk as if they're unaware of any object or person that might be in or along the way, and others walk like water moving through a stream. Neither type of person is any less purposeful in their walk, and their destinations may be the same. They will both get to the place they want to go, and the direction they move is generally the same, but their methods are different.

Sometimes I manage to see in scenes, having multiple things in focus at once. When I choose to see in this way, I can isolate an event from it's cause and it's end. I can see the event as it's own entity, and I can look past the reasons for the event to exist and focus on what is actually happening.

My lens doesn't always see in present tense. I constantly reflect on things I've seen, recreating events and individuals in my mind, asking myself for possible reasons for why things are the way they are or if things really are the way they appear to be.

All Nighter

2009-02-24T04:56:00.000-07:00

This is the survival pack: cheap cookies and cheap soda pop and one half of a turkey sandwich. These foods provided me with the steady stream of sugar needed to complete my all night task of taking my educational life from the past to paper. I was up till 5:30 am, and I still went to all my classes, and I worked the night shift (which I just finished). The human body is a remarkable thing. I feel better now than I have in weeks, even though I only had two and a half hours of sleep. I'm afraid of doing more damage to my eyes, so I'll be in bed at ten, tonight.

On the Inability to Change Others

2009-02-23T02:44:00.000-07:00

There is a fine line between tolerance and acceptance. The world of 2009 is asking the masses and the individuals to be more accepting, but this is potentially problematic. Tolerance is to allow something to exist without necessarily supporting it. Acceptance is adopting a thing--at least in concept--and taking it as true.

There will always be a difference of values between individuals and nations (based on history), and in some cases, asking for acceptance is the same as asking to violate deeply held values. Entire wars have been fought because of lack of tolerance, for fear of having a nation accept another concept which was contrary to a people's values.

Many people will say that tolerance is the answer, but often times tolerance will lead to acceptance at the expense of a value. This isn't always a bad thing, but every value has a different level of importance to each individual.

This is why many struggle to find a real solution to wars. Tolerance can breed tension, and it is only a temporary solution. Acceptance would work, but you can't force a person to accept a new value.

My solution: Pacifism in a physical sense. Let there be a war of words and images and intelligence--not at the expense of a single life.

To kill a person intentionally is to judge them as unable to change for the better.

Life, the Universe, and... Something Else

2009-02-22T17:28:00.000-07:00

Life
The price of living is death. It's a hard concept to grasp, because it's unconditionally accurate. If we live, we die. When we're alive, we don't have any way of knowing what being dead is like. Does a dead body know anything? There are things in the world which don't die. E.G. elements and objects. They change, but they don't die. Of course, they don't live either. I've determined that one definition of living is to having the ability to die.

The Universe
Why is it that as teenagers, we suddenly develop a nagging sense of wanting an identity--to know who we are, what we are, why we are, and what we want to or should be? Why is it that we suddenly become aware of the states of societies, nations, cities, homes, and friends homes? Were we sheltered during the early years, or did we truly not see? Did we not understand, and do we understand now?

Something Else
If we've been changing so rapidly, can we continue to do so for the remainder of our lives? Will the change be more profound as we continue to understand more and more, or will the change be less profound as we begin to shut out certain things? Where are the lines between tolerance, acceptance, and bending values?

Random, I know.

From Ashes

2009-02-19T22:18:00.000-07:00

The fire of hate cannot burn forever, and when all is ashes, the ground will be fertile. From ashes the only true emotion rises: passion.

Every emotion is based on passion--every action predicated upon it. We feel driven to act before we act, whether we attach ourselves to others or we seperate ourselves. We scream. We cry. We laugh. We love. We hate. We sing. We feel nervous when something we are passionate about is threatened. We feel happiness when something we are passionate about is brought closer, or when it becomes more secure in it's place. We feel anger when passion is questioned or destroyed.

With humans, to live is to have passion. Teenagers have more passion than perhaps any other age group, because we haven't been dulled by questions to our passion.

Be passionate, don't let the blade of your emotions grow dull. We're in a world that wants empathy from the group who has yet to be scarred by the weathers of life alone. Passion seperates the great from the not-so-great. Chances are that the greatest people we know are the most passionate.

More Insights

2009-02-18T01:02:00.000-07:00

"Where is fancy bread--in the heart, or in the head?" --Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Wherein lies the greatest pain--
in the snow, or in the rain?
Wherein hides the secret love--
deep inside, or up above?

When does love begin to show--
in holding on, or letting go?
When does time begin to slow--
when age is gone or color's dull?

How many more cliche things can I think of at one in the morning? I wonder if the added stresses of having put off finishing this government test has anything to do with it... or maybe the fact that The Office is playing on the television, and I'm only listening subconsciously... or maybe that I had to add another college class in the middle of the semester... or maybe that I'm willing to pay $85 to take a test to have a chance of not actually having to finish that class... or maybe that I made the mistake of looking up AP using the college search system, which brought up the outdated AP accredidation as one of the top hits... or maybe the face that some kids cheated on a history test, and the teacher decided to bring that up and make everyone uncomfortable, by giving them a chance to 'confess'. I believe in a personal one on one approach with this, initiated by the teacher, given substantial evidence, which he claimed to have... maybe because I studied for that test, and I'm pretty sure I bombed it... maybe because I might have to take another test, because some people cheated--thereby nullifying the old one... maybe because I'm in a disagreeable mood... maybe because I'm dehydrated, and I still have an excess of fluid in my lungs... maybe because I haven't found a combination of decongestants which can clear me up... maybe because the tast of water makes me sick, so I'm buying liters of lemonade to drink, because I can't drink much milk when I'm stressed without feeling nausious... maybe because there aren't enough elipses (elipsi?) (...) in the world... maybe I'm just really ticked because I want a lot of things I can't have... or maybe because I can have them, but I have to ruin my health and my life to get them... maybe because it's a constant debate of what I want most... maybe because I know my priorities are being compromised for a little peace of mind...

Wow... Power rant.

Late night. No rest. Red light, at best...

2009-02-16T01:32:00.000-07:00

Insomnia is a product of not sleeping.

Here's a toast (minus anything physically resembling the setting in which an actual toast would be given).

Here's to finding out that the only journal you ever kept is full of feelings and experiences involving a girl you don't know anymore.

Here's to admitting that--even though you don't know her anymore, and even though you thought you were over her, and even though distance has never/will never allow--you are still more attached to her than anyone else.

Here's to moving on with someone else, just to end up breaking their heart, and going back to a state of just friends.

Here's to weird dreams--from kissing friends to eating burgers to laying on my bed just staring off into nothing.

Here's to finding meaning to some of those dreams.

Here's to not liking what you've found for the meanings.

Here's to making new friends, who treat you better than some of your best friends.

Here's to myspace messages with a friend from work, who thinks I know something, but in reality, I'm sure she's helped me cope more than I've helped her.

Here's to another late night, typing.

Here's to the dreams we're too scared to do anything with.

Here's to the guts I have to grow to live one of those dreams this summer.

Here's to questioning my real intentions of my actions.

Here's to finding out that always being right is only good about half the time.

Here's to the crappy feelings of that other half.

Here's to knowing what certain people are thinking.

Here's to not doing anything, anyway.

Here's to wanting to really let go.

Here's to really not wanting to let go...

Here's to wanting a friend with benefits, solely for the sake of simplicity.

Here's to wanting more than a friend.

Here's to being more than a friend.

Here's to being less.

Here's to being treated like less for too long, and finally breaking away.

Here's to leaving a band.

Here's to writing your own music, and playing it with the heart and soul it deserves.

Here's to small lies for the sake of feelings.

Here's to small truths for the same reasons.

Here's to figuring out that there's more to life than time.

Here's to the time you'll waste.

Here's to not regretting it.

Live Recording in the Basment

2009-02-14T14:02:00.000-07:00

Talon wrote a song about two years ago, and we played it when we opened for Stereo Receiver. Unfortunately, that was the last time we played it...

...Until last night! Mike and Talon were at my house, and we were doing a late night jam session, and Talon started to play the intro to his un-named two year old song. Two room mics and three takes later, we came up with the rough recording. He named it Two Years, Four Days.

If you want to listen to it, it's on the top of my playlist in the right column on this site. In fact, I set it up to auto-play, so you may very well be listening to it right now.

An important note: Talon wrote this song--not me. I sang the verses, and Talon sang the chorus. You can look forward to an all Talon version in the near future, which won't sound as rough as this.

Of Apathy--Lyrics

2009-02-12T00:21:00.001-07:00

This song was originally titled Tide. While the tide is a part of my metaphor, apathy is the thing being described. Apathy is without emotion, drive, passion, or strong sense of will.

I'll probably have two stanzas per verse to cut down on the overall length and to help the story flow smoothly. Once again, the bottom stanza is the chorus. The last stanza before the chorus will be a bridge, and if I write the music well enough, it will be the climax of the song.

The tricky part about this song will be trying to sing with emotion without loosing the meaning.

Of Apathy

I didn’t fight the tide
As I lied on the shore,
And the water ascended
Where it hadn’t been before.

And I’m sure, eventually,
You took me for dead.
When the water had risen
Feet above my head.

Eventually,
The water did return,
But when I was dry,
I forgot what I had learned.

I didn’t fight the tide
As I lied on the shore,
And the water ascended
Where it hadn’t been before.

A cough and a sputter,
While I rose above,
With no sand below,
I looked for the shore.

It seemed that land
Was not to be found,
As I treaded the water
To look around.

And naturally
The only idea I found,
Was to continue the search
While looking down.

I know that something’s off
Even in this prismic light.
Though the picture is here,
The color’s not right.
And the thickness I breath
Seems too hard to me.
And the salty flavor,
Makes it hard to believe
That this is the life
I chose to lead.

Wasted Breath--Lyrics and Progress

2009-02-10T21:44:00.000-07:00

I've got three songs written, and I'll be posting all the lyrics I write for this new CD.

The chorus is the last stanza.

Wasted Breath

You inhale;
I take it for granted.
You exhale;
I wish that you hadn't--
the words that you're speaking are cold.

I inhale;
You're starting to leave.
I exhale;
I know you're not listening--
the air is not warmed by my voice.

We inhale;
I'm holding my breath.
You exhale;
below expectation--
the air has gone silent, again.

Every step
we pretend to take--
Every move
you wish I'd make--
Wasted breath,
'cause no one will say,
but be both hear.
You and I won't say it out loud.

At the Request of others:

2009-02-10T10:21:00.000-07:00

Because being sick sucks, especially when you don't know what's wrong.

Ideas

2009-02-09T23:20:00.000-07:00

Here are some of the things I've been thinking about:

Bridges, Jumping, Saving, Choosing, Changing

Oceans, Swimming, Drowning, Beaches, Sun

Rain, Tears, Clouds, Smiles

Pretending, Believing, Pretending to believe, Believing in pretend

Life, Love, Life without love, Love without life

Time, Truck, Guitar, Lyrics

And none of it is organized enough for me to make something out the mess.

Grr.

Re-posting the re-post

2009-02-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

1. Leave one memory that you and I had together, as a comment on my blog. Anything goes.

2. Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I'll check to see if you're playing the game and I'll come to your blog and leave one about you.

The new CD.

2009-02-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

I am officially in the writing/recording process of what will be my best CD. It will be the third CD I've put out. (My previous CD's are "DEMO/We Did This in Our Basement" with Failing Overpass and "Flying Solo: Almost Alone" with two duets with Talon.) This next CD may or may not feature a duet or two with Emma B. (I'm helping her with a production assignment, and we talked about a couple songs, but nothing is set in stone yet.)

This is a mostly acoustic album, and it'll be as well written as my best work. I might put some of my old--never been heard songs on here, depending on how the writing goes. I'm open to themes, so if you have a suggestion, hit me.

Expect it in April sometime.

I watched that one movie...

2009-02-08T23:59:00.000-07:00

...and I loved it! My version of Edward is quite simple, but the complications are endless.

The moral of the story... Be careful what you ask for.

More...

2009-02-06T00:42:00.000-07:00

...with a broken heart and a contrite spirit...

2009-02-06T00:04:00.000-07:00

Um...

2009-02-04T19:35:00.001-07:00

This is what happens when you try to make chocolate milk at 2 in the morning... My ratio of syrup to milk was way off. Think about a 1 to three ratio for syrup to milk. The weird thing about this is that I don't really like chocolate milk that much... 2 o clock does strange things to people I guess...

More food.

2009-02-04T19:05:00.001-07:00

This is the mini double bacon cheese burger. It has Swiss and American cheese and jalapen- bacon on it. It is moist enough that it doesn't need sauce. It is extremely tasty.

New Shoes!

2009-02-03T23:49:00.001-07:00

These shoes are brand new and ready for some love (street/sidewalk/carpet/hallway/gas pedal).

I had to put arch supports in them to make them work for me, though.

While I don't neccesarily care about MoJo, I love my shoes! they came!!! Still waiting on the black low top Anacondas, though. It's time to grab my corduroy pants, purple button-up shirt, red kicks, and I can pretend I'm Willy Wonka, and the world is my factory! I need to remember next time, that my left foot is larger than my right, and I should have used it to measure, because I'm going to get a blister on my heel if I wear these too long. I really do love these shoes! They match my truck!

"Out the Wazoo!"

2009-02-03T23:09:00.000-07:00

What is this mysterious Wazoo? And how do things get in to come out? Like a ton of advice? Feelings like tired or angry? I just don't understand.

Technology and love...

2009-02-02T21:38:00.001-07:00